Crumbsnatcher (a short film)
OVER BLACK:
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Tonight, we bring you the story of one of Hollywood’s most enduring and fruitful partnerships. Like Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep and that naked Oscar guy, this partnership has shaped cinematic history ...only nobody knew much about it. Until now.
FADE IN:
INSERT SAM ELLIOTT’S HEADSHOT.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This is the story of Sam Elliott and Crumbsnatcher O’Toole.
INT. STUDIO
CRUMBSNATCHER O’TOOLE (aka Sam Elliott’s mustache) sits in a director’s chair, preparing for an interview. Lights are being adjusted, cameras set up. A SOUND TECHNICIAN comes over to attach a lapel mic but isn’t certain where to put it.
SOUND TECHNICIAN
Um, I ...
CRUMBSNATCHER
You can clip it on wherever.
SOUND TECHNICIAN
Are you sure? I mean ... we can get a, a boom.
CRUMBSNATCHER
I’ve been doing this for longer than your mama’s been alive. I’m sure.
The Sound Technician reluctantly grabs a clump of hair and attaches the mic clip.
CRUMBSNATCHER (CONT'D)
Hey! Gently.
The Sound Technician reaches down to smooth Crumbsnatcher’s hair.
SOUND TECHNICIAN
Sorry. Sorry ...
The Sound Technician wanders off.
INT.STUDIO(LATER)
INTERVIEWER
So how did you and Sam first meet?
CRUMBSNATCHER
How does anyone meet anyone in life? Casting. (beat) I used to work with Groucho Marx, in the pictures, back when they called them pictures. I was younger then, and I stumbled into the work. I wasn’t properly trained. I was just a kid. So around the time Groucho did You Bet Your Life for television... that must’ve been around... 1950 or so, he decided to grow a mustache of his own. It was an artistic choice... he wanted to stretch as a performer, which I can respect. It was no hard feelings when we stopped working together. We had... come to the end of the road in our professional relationship. He always did the voice work anyway, so it wasn’t the most fulfilling job, just sitting there on his top lip... it’s like they tell models... sit still, look pretty. There’s no actual craft involved. You’re there for how you look, and no one cares if you know how the production could be improved. (beat) After the partnership with Groucho ended, I did some soul searching. I love acting, giving life to a character. There’s nothing like it. I wanted to learn how to do it right. I decided to use the time off to train, to hone my craft. Lee Strasberg. Artists’ Studio. New York. Did a Shakespeare in the Park around that time, you know...
INTERVIEWER
(interrupting)
And is that when you met Sam?
CRUMBSNATCHER
(impatiently)
I’m getting to that. (beat) He didn’t train with Strasberg. He didn’t do Richard II. (beat) We met through a casting call.
VIDEO CLIP FROM “THE WEDDING” EPISODE, GUNSMOKE (1972) The video clip shows a clean shaven Sam Elliott.
CRUMBSNATCHER (V.O.)
He had done some television work. He had promise, but lacked ...that certain something. Training. Craft. (beat) Presence. That’s it. Presence. He was always good looking, but something was missing.
INT. STUDIO
Crumbsnatcher is in the chair, continuing the interview.
CRUMBSNATCHER
And that’s what they brought me in for. Presence. And my voice. That’s part of presence, you know ...when you train for the theater, you learn the your voice is your instrument. When you don’t have a body, it’s your only instrument, so you have to develop it. There’s so much than can be expressed through the voice. You draw your audience in …(beat) It’s funny ...if you watch Sam’s old stuff, he sounded like a high pitched weasel being strangled by a little old lady who lacked the hand strength to do the job properly. I mean, it was not good. Have you heard it? Not good. (beat) His agent wisely put out a casting call, and that’s how me & Sam met. We were a good fit ...literally. I was the right size for the job, even though that’s not all I do. It’s very physical work, you know. You still have to have skill, talent. That presence we were talking about. You have to have all of that, but you also have to meet very precise physical specifications. And I did. Can you imagine him with a handlebar or a Dalí? I don’t think so. (beat) And that’s when our partnership began.
VIDEO CLIP FROM LIFEGUARD (1976)
The video clip shows a mustachioed Sam Elliott.
CRUMBSNATCHER (V.O.)
I think Lifeguard was our first job together. We did ...
VIDEO CLIP FROM MASK (1985)
The video clip shows a mustachioed Sam Elliott.
CRUMBSNATCHER (V.O.)
Mask and ...
VIDEO CLIP FROM ROADHOUSE (1989)
The video clip shows a mustachioed Sam Elliott.
CRUMBSNATCHER (V.O.)
Roadhouse! That was a fun one.
VIDEO CLIP FROM RUSH (1991)
The video clip shows a mustachioed Sam Elliott.
CRUMBSNATCHER (V.O.)
Rush. Rush was more dramatic. We do it all. Drama, but also westerns. Even comedy.
VIDEO CLIP FROM THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998)
The video clip shows a mustachioed Sam Elliott.
INT. STUDIO
CRUMBSNATCHER
We do it all.
INT. STUDIO (LATER)
INTERVIEWER
There have been some movies where he doesn’t have a mustache.
CRUMBSNATCHER
I understand that sometimes Sam wants to ...stretch creatively. I understand that urge. It’s like with Groucho. We’re artists, and it’s an artistic choice. And maybe I wasn’t right for that particular role. (beat) And I understand that maybe he wants to feel like he’s the one wearing the mustache and it’s not the mustache wearing him. It’s a hard thing to live in someone else’s shadow. I mean, I would know! His nose is always ...right there, hanging over me. And sometimes, I don’t want to complain, but sometimes, he has allergies ... (beat) I’m under exclusive contract. Exclusive. I get paid, even if I’m not onscreen for a particular film. And, ...well, ... (beat) I’m not really liberty to discuss everything that goes on, but ...you’ve seen Singin In The Rain. You know the plot.
INTERVIEWER
Gene ...uh, Simmons ...sings in the rain, right?
CRUMBSNATCHER
Gene Kelly. Yes. I’m talking about the part with Debbie Reynolds.
INTERVIEWER
Who?
CRUMBSNATCHER
Debbie Reynolds.
INTERVIEWER
I’m not ...sure ...
CRUMBSNATCHER
Princess Leia’s mother.
INTERVIEWER
Her mom was in that?
CRUMBSNATCHER
Yes, her mother was in that. How do you people get to become entertainment reporters anyway? (beat) Don’t answer that. I don’t need to know about your sex life. (beat) The plot of Singin In The Rain is Gene Kelly ...Gene ...Kelly ...and Donald O’Connor dance around. Gene Kelly is a movie star, and Debbie Reynolds ...Princess Leia’s mother ...has a great voice but she has to dub all of the dialogue for this other woman, who is a movie star with a terrible voice. Debbie Reynolds wants to break into the movies but she can’t because she has to do voice work for the other lady because she has a contract. (beat) Do you understand what I’m saying?
INTERVIEWER
Did Sam Elliott ...play the other lady?
An awkward pause.
INT. STUDIO (LATER)
INTERVIEWER
Does it ever bother you that you don’t get credit for your roles?
CRUMBSNATCHER
You know, I’ve thought a lot about this. It’s about the art, isn’t it? I mean, I put a lot of work into it. I put my heart and soul into it. Recognition would be nice. It’d be nice. (beat) Sam recognizes me, in his own way. I mean, not in interviews or anything, but in his own way. Sam’s a nice guy. He takes care of me. He always makes sure to send me a bottle of something nice for Christmas every year.
INTERVIEWER
You drink?
CRUMBSNATCHER
Don’t judge me. I can quit anytime. Anytime. (beat) You meant because I don’t have a mouth, didn’t you?
INTERVIEWER
Um, yeah. How does that work?
An awkward pause.
CRUMBSNATCHER
I get paid well. I have an exclusive contract. After I pay my agent and my manager, I do alright. I don’t need a lot of money. I live simply. Keep only what is essential in your performance and in your life ...don’t think about money or fame or any of that stuff too much. It’s a good way to live. (beat) You know, people always ask Sam about me, too. I think he gets sick of it, to be honest. The same way I get tired of pretending to be something that grew out of his face. I’ve been in this business longer than he has. It’s ridiculous that people think I’m something that just ...showed up there because he decided not to shave. (beat) Back to your original question ...in terms of getting the recognition I deserve for my craft, ...sometimes it stings. I’m not going to lie. It hurts a little. Then I remind myself, it doesn’t matter. In the end, the work speaks for itself. We are all parts of a glorious whole. I mean, Roadhouse is a classic. Does it matter if my name is in the credits or not? That’s still my work on screen, and my work is part of what makes that movie great. We were nominated for an Academy Award, for God’s sake. For a different film. A Star Is Born. Not Roadhouse. I mean, that’s not exactly Oscar material, is it? But still.
INTERVIEWER
(figures out what Crumbsnatcher was saying earlier)
Wait. How does he do all those voiceovers then?
CRUMBSNATCHER
(impatiently)
Do I have to spell it out for you? They let him come in and talk into the microphone in that rabid chipmunk voice of his ...I don’t think they even bother plugging it in. Then I come in later and redo it.
Crumbsnatcher realizes what he said and shifts slightly in the chair to “look” directly into camera.
CRUMBSNATCHER (CONT'D)
Don’t use any of that. Okay? Hey. Hey! None of that or you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
INT. STUDIO (LATER)
INTERVIEWER
What’s next for you?
CRUMBSNATCHER
I don’t know. I believe I’ve reached the pinnacle of what I can achieve in front of the camera. There’s this glass ceiling and it’s like no one understands that I can do so much more. I know how body doubles feel. There’s only so much you can do, and then they typecast you. As I mentioned before, I’m trained. I’ve done Shakespeare, Ibsen, ...Wallace Shawn. I’ve done them all. But studios have their ideas about what you can do and what will sell. (beat) I’ll keep going as long as Sam does, but I feel like I need to do something more ...fulfilling as well.(beat) I’d like to direct. There’s something about having your complete artistic vision brought to the screen that appeals to me. I’ve been in this business a long time. I’ve learned a lot. I think I’d be a very effective director. I definitely have vision.
INTERVIEWER
You can see?
Another awkward pause.
INT. STUDIO (LATER)
The interview is done. The Sound Technician comes over to retrieve the lapel mic and is unsure how to do it.
SOUND TECHNICIAN
So, ...are you gonna ...?
CRUMBSNATCHER
Do I look like I’m gonna?
SOUND TECHNICIAN
Right. Sorry.
The Sound Technician reaches down and unclips the mic, removes it, and walks away without saying another word.
Crumbsnatcher sits for a moment on the chair, silent.
Everyone else seems to have gone. Crumbsnatcher is alone. He begins to recite Shakespeare to the empty studio.
CRUMBSNATCHER
Our revels now are ended. These our actors, as I foretold you, were all spirits and are melted into air, into thin air: and, like the baseless fabric of this vision, the cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces, the solemn temples, the great globe itself, ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve. And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, leave not a rack behind ...
A PROP PERSON walks over, picks up Crumbsnatcher, sets him on the floor, folds up the director’s chair he’s been sitting on, and walks off with it.
The lights begin to shut off and Crumbsnatcher is heard to sigh.
FADE TO BLACK